Notable dishes of 2012: the 2014 edition
The Monk Room in Newark: from the Porta people [CLOSED]

Velveeta shortage: alternatives to Velveeta

By now you've heard that Kraft is claiming that there could be a Velveeta shortage in the coming weeks. The timing couldn't be more perfect to put the brakes on your processed food-studded Super Bowl party.

So what is the uncaring and heedless host to do in light of the shortage of this staple? Well, I'll just tell ya.

To help you ensure that your party is the effortless and barbarous event that you had hoped, I am offering some assistance. We'll get through this, together.

Here it is. Just what you need, and just in time:  alternatives to Americas's favorite Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product:


CheezWhizAmerica's second favorite Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product?

Seriously, people, are we really to believe there's a discernible difference between Cheez Whiz and Velveeta?[1]

2) Conversely, you could put some effort into your party, so I don't have to taunt you.

3) There exist no other alternatives.

In other news, Perdue reports that its chickens are on a hunger strike. So stock[2] up on their wings, and quick.

Chicken wingPhoto courtesy of


1. I've eaten the hell out of Whiz, generally "wit," but I have no idea what Velveeta tastes like, so I really don't know.
2. pardon the pun